Comparing our leaders. We’ve all done it at one time or another, haven’t we?
“This leader has got it right…that one doesn’t.”
Ever ben there?
Comparing leaders has even split churches a part. Some perhaps, rightfully so. But mark my words, many churches have split because of nothing God commanded but what appeared right in the eyes of the people.
Let us be wary on this matter, lest we be deceived!
The hard (but necessary) truth is this:
It is not possible for any of us to be a woman of virtue if we are comparing our husband to another man.
Why?
Because verse 11 of Proverbs 31 says that the heart of her husband trusts in her and lacks nothing of value. She will do him good and not harm all the days of her life.
If the heart of her husband trusts in her, that is because she has specifically done things to warrant his specific trust. Good for my husband is different than good for your husband, hence God will lead us all differently.
I always say that God didn’t want us all to be clones of each other. He is a God who loves diversity. Submitting to our own husbands as unto Him (as stated in Ephesians 5:22-23), is the chief way He keeps it fresh.
All of our lives are going to look completly different because our men are different
What is the harm in comparing?
Well, lots of things. But one of them is that it is going to spur us to manipulate. Manipulation looks an awful lot like fighting.
Remember that fighting can be on the inside or the outside. When it’s on the inside, my husband and I may not be fighting on the outside, but a war is raging on the inside. When I compare my husband, that storm is going to rage because I’m showing discontentment with what God has given me (and I willingly chose).
2 Corinthians 10:12 says, Not that we dare to classify or compare ourselves with some of those who are commending themselves. But when they measure themselves by one another and compare themselves with one another, they are without understanding.
Has this ever been you?
I know it’s been me.
Most of us have compared and valued another man’s opinion in how he’s leading his family as apposed to how we are being led by ours. Maybe we don’t agree with our husband and rationalize he is not being led by God. Perhaps this is how we justify not obeying and submitting to them.
Let us be wary on this matter also ladies, lest we deceived!
Not only will we miss out on all that God has in store for our lives while comparing our husbands, but we are deceived when we stand in judgement of each other. Both are dangerous! Remember, we cannot think to be a woman of virtue if we are doing this. This is bringing harm to our husbands, something it says she did not do.
What is so dangerous about comparing our husbands?
My eyes have recently been open to this truth and God used a friend who is very dear to my heart.
She and her husband were in the market searching for their next home and I got the opportunity to tag along. The first place that we looked at was quite run-down (the fixer type), and I could tell right away by the sparkle in her husband’s eyes that he liked it and was considering it.
It was tucked away in the woods, secluded and remote.
My friend, I could tell, did not like the place. It was way too much work than she wanted to invest to which she continually commented. I tried to stay neutral, pointing out the positives for her sake as we walked along the property.
To be honest, the place looked romantic as I have an adventurous side as well and enjoy taking on new challenges. (My husband of course, is not like this).
Her husband began to speak up about the work that he was willingly to invest to which my friend replied (only to me) what she thought my husband would do.
Now, my husband does tend to make very sound decisions but they are also very safe. He is not the adventurous type as this friend’s husband is.
I could tell my friend was valuing what she knew my husband would do over her own husband. How do you think this made her husband feel? Even though she didn’t say it right to his face, our men can sense our disappointment in who they are.
Even worse is something she hadn’t considered
When we treat our husbands in this way and show obvious contempt for who they are, we my as well slap God in the face. He is the one who created your husband AND He is the one who authored Ephesians 5:22-23 that says to submit to OUR OWN husbands as unto Him…
God is the one who desires to lead you through that established government but then we say, “No God. I want it this way, like this other man.”
we can miss something great while comparing our husbands
“Yes, but…” I replied to my friend. “I may have a life of comfort, but it is also safe. You could have a life of adventure!”
Perspective is Power for Every Wife and when we understand that, we can begin to live our lives under the supernatural power that God has placed on each of our men. Yes, I said supernatural power!
My friend and her husband ended up finding a place they liked even more than that first place, but this Biblical truth was revealed to me as soon as I spoke those words that day:
God has an adventure planned for every wife and will reveal it through her husband.
Some adventures may be wild, loud and spontaneous while others may look steady, quiet and organized like mine.
Don’t sound Biblical enough to you?
Consider Ephesians 5:22-23 (emphasis mine) that says,
Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.
Let me break it down!
Each wife has a husband and each husband is uniquely created by God—meaning every husband is different. Each husband is the head (or leader) of his wife, just as Christ is the leader of the church.
Simply put—the route God will bring each of us wives will undoubtedly look different because our leaders are different. Don’t be fooled though, God reigns supreme in every scenario when the wife submits herself to her husband (as unto the Lord), even when he is perhaps unsaved.
We can miss out on the joy we could have otherwise had
I used to not enjoy the life that my husband provides because it appeared to be boring. It made no waves (that I could see) so it appeared dull in my own eyes.
In reality, it was me refusing the beautiful gift God had given me.
You can read my story HERE or in my book The Quarreling Wife.
My husband has often commented that he feels that God has planted him in a place of stability so he can provide for me SO I can do something great. I don’t know if those words are prophetic but they sure are romantic and adventurous to think about. And so sweet that my husband would say it like that.
It puts a whole new spin on “boring.”
When your husband makes a decision contrary to a decision my husband has made and I value it more, I enter into a manipulative (witchcraft-like) state if I don’t take that thought captive immediately. (2 Corinthians 10:5)
What I will try to do in that scenario is try convince my husband down the path that I feel more comfortable with. The one that appears to me to be more godly. Do you see fear beginning to rear it’s ugly head? Listen to, The Greatest Enemy of Your Marriage for more on this topic!
Convincing is fine if it’s birthed out of a genuine heart that simply wants to present all of the unknown facts
Esther did so with King Xerxes. But if/when I approach with a nagging/manipulative spirit, it becomes dangerous. Dangerous because it is down the path of fear. Also dangerous because I am then allowing the enemy to steal my joy unless my way wins victorious.
Why is joy so important?
Because the joy you possess as a wife has the power to give life to your husband. Consequently, it has the power to bring him death as well!
Because 1 Corinthians 7:33 tells us that a married man is concerned with how he can please his wife, our joyfulness or lack thereof is a VERY big deal.
It can change the course of history!
Check out my blog post, Submission vs. Obedience to learn the difference. Submission is about the heart and the mouth speaks what the heart is full of (Luke 6:45). What is coming out of our mouths, originating from our hearts, that is trying to influence our husbands?
Our heart is in danger when we compare
I tend to think that comparing our men one to another is a matter of the heart.
Hebrews 13:17 (emphasis mine) says, obey your leaders and submit to them, for they are keeping watch over your souls, as those who will have to give an account. Let them do this with joy and not with groaning, for that would be of no advantage to you.
I can obey my husband on the outside and not be in submission to him in my heart (compare him to others without words).
Comparison then indeed seems all about the heart. Why is the heart so important? Proverbs 4:23 says above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.
The heart is important because it is leading us forward.
If I believe God is in control of my life as a wife and is guiding my every step through my husband’s leadership, I am going to live my life wildly different than if I didn’t. Our heart therefore, whether right or wrong, is leading our understanding.
We run the risk of spiritual blindness
Understanding and true knowledge of God’s forces at play when we obey and submit to our husbands is all about the eyes.
Matthew 6:22 (emphasis mine) says that if your eyes are healthy, your whole body will be full of light.
Jesus is talking about spiritual vision here. We need spiritual vision in order to be able to see, but clearly this verse is also making reference to the fact that our eyes can be unhealthy as well. This is true as verse 23 goes onto say that if your eyes are bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light within you is darkness, how great is that darkness!
Spiritually-dead eyes cannot see the things of God.
A wife with spiritually-dead eyes is unable to see God’s way working in her life if she were to submit to her husband.
Remember, submission has to do with the heart just as comparison of our leadership. Proverbs 29:18 says, where there is no vision, the people perish. Some translations say, revelation. Check out my post that talks extensively of this, HERE!
If I have no spiritual vision because I am sporting a pair of unhealthy eyes as a wife, I am going to clearly be afraid.
We enter into fear
If you don’t have spiritual vision to see what God is doing, the chances are great that you are going to be terrified.
Take a hypothetical scenario where you have plans on a Friday night to go out with some friends and your husband doesn’t want you to. Without spiritual vision, you may think that your husband is trying to reign his authority over you. Maybe you think he is controlling and has no right to tell you what to do.
You see! Fear.
Now whose to say that your husband has perfect motives for wanting you to stay home on a Friday? But God will still use it. You see! Spiritual vision to see that God is at work in everything.
Maybe God is using your husband to keep you out of a car accident. Or perhaps deep down you are running away from your husband because you don’t want to be faced with what your marriage has become.
Perhaps you find it hard to tolerate your husband and love him a whole lot more from afar.
This isn’t such a hypothetical scenario for me and you can read a little more about this in my post A Calling to be Near!
I learned, through spiritual vision, that maybe it isn’t even about me. Maybe it’s about my husband. He can’t see my godly behavior (and be changed by Christ living in me) if I’m gone all the time.
2 Timothy 1:7 says, God has not given us a spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind. That means that if we are operating under a spirit of fear (the opposite of 2 Timothy 1:7), I am under the influence of the devil who seeks nothing more than to steal, kill and destroy (John 10:10).
Why is being fearful such a big deal?
Because if I am full of fear, I am going to counter that with control to try and get rid of it.
like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her lord. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.
1 Peter 3:6 (emphasis mine)
Recall Proverbs 14:12 that says,
There is a way that appears to be right, but leads to death.
The way of fear is death for you and your husband.
I highly recommend the articles Fear is the Greatest Enemy of Every Christian Wife along with Fear Goes by Another Name and it’s Liar
We can miss out on our calling
Let’s go back to my friend and I to illustrate a somewhat hypothetical example:
Her lifestyle, had she submitted to her husband in buying that first house, would have perhaps been one of uncertainty. She also would lead a life of romance and excitement as she would never know the next move that was coming.
Now take a look at my life.
I very much wanted to live in the country. But here I am putting roots down in town which at the time seemed boring. My husband is very stable, the don’t-rock-the-boat type, and I can clock him to the minute. He is very certain and always chooses the less-thrilling, more-stable way.
I lead a life of stability and certainty.
Neither lifestyle is wrong, both are simply led by men who are different
Both require faith.
Hers, that God will provide.
And mine, that God is doing something in the midst of the quite.
Although different, God can use both lifestyles. Perhaps my friend would be the kind who would house persecuted Christians in her home whereas mine might be the kind that would find favor with the government to illustrate that our God is a God that honors all authority, leading yet more souls to the kingdom of God.
Both are exciting in their own way.
But.
And this is a mighty BIG BUT by the way.
We wives can miss out on this unique calling, tailored specifically to you and I, if we manipulate our husbands to conform to another man’s leadership.
Our beautiful and most-needed calling as wives (the one that made the creation of man good) is to help our husbands. However our men lead us, we are to conform and mold to them. This is only the beginning of mending the trust and becoming a woman of virtue. We need to model that behavior over and over again.
We didn’t loose that trust overnight. We wont gain it overnight either.
If we manipulate our husbands to lead our families in the direction of another leader, our calling is in direct jeopardy.
The biggest danger is that we can loose out on God’s calling for our lives. This is what it ALL comes down to.
Our happiness and peace—literally everything—is based on the calling God has on our lives.
How to avoid these dangers as a wife
The best way to avoid dangers like these are to make sure they are never stirred up in the first place. Point blank—don’t have wandering eyes. Value others for who they are instead of pillaging your husband’s personality to try and change him.
It is completely possible that we can avoid them altogether. That’s not to say we haven’t encountered them at one time or another.
It is never too late to start living our lives as wives in complete safety, under God’s protection. Each day is a new day as is every decision that we make throughout the day.
My sincere and honest prayer is that you and I, Wife, would see the dangers in comparing our husbands one to another and we would stop immediately. May our eyes begin to become more open to this truth and the dangers of living outside God’s will.