The fighting between you and your husband would be considered a problem, wouldn’t it? Get rid of the problem and your marriage would be great, right?
What if I told you that you were wrong? Could the problem of fighting in your marriage not only be a symptom of the real problem but be nothing compared to the GIANT you know nothing about?
So you and your husband fight?
Maybe once in a while, not so much, or maybe that is putting it lightly. Perhaps fighting in your marriage resembles a war that has lasted longer than you can even remember. Maybe it is wasting you away and injuring others in the process.
If that is the case and my description is you, I know exactly what you are feeling. The hopelessness, pain and fear when I thought about my children’s future. These are only a few of the emotions I felt daily a few years ago in the confines of what I called marriage.
To me, the fighting was THE ONLY PROBLEM.
I believed that if I rid my marriage of fighting, everything would be great! I had absolutely no idea that it was that very outlook that WAS THE PROBLEM.
The only Truth that can slay the problem plaguing your marriage
Sister reading this now, let me give it to you straight. Your naiveness to the real problem is the bassinet that cradles it. The giant you know nothing about that is destroying your marriage is so big that if you don’t solve the problem of not knowing what the problem REALLY is, there is no way that you can have a good marriage.
I realize that that is a bold statement, but it is the truth, and I know it to be 100% true! Once you realize this truth and accept God’s ordained way, you are well on your way to defeating the problem once and for all.
The Real Problem
Christian wives have been blind! And what exactly have we been blind to? Our sin in the matter.
And what is the particular sin?
Primarily the sin of presumption
How many of us Christian wives have fought with our husbands about something in the name of God? It is deceiving because although we are speaking “righteousness,” God nor revelation appear to come to our aid? The fight eventually subsides, we eventually calm down, and God is His goodness doesn’t leave us.
But we circle in time to the same fight with our husbands.
Ever been there?
Oh, I have! Many times!
“Why is nothing changing?”
I cried out ruthlessly, “God, I’m crying out to you! I’m seeking you! Praying and pleading for my husband to change. All I see is that NOTHING is changing! I hear your SILENCE on this matter and it is deafening.”
The place I’m describing as a wife, can actually feel a lot like a wilderness at times.
One of my all-time favorite verses in the Bible is found in Numbers 14. It’s probably a strange passage to have as a favorite but it holds my top 10 because it is so undeniably true!
Numbers 14:40-44 says,
And they rose early in the morning and went up to the heights of the hill country, saying, “Here we are. We will go up to the place that the Lord has promised, for we have sinned.” But Moses said, “Why now are you transgressing the command of the Lord, when that will not succeed?
Do not go up, for the Lord is not among you, lest you be struck down before your enemies. For there the Amalekites and the Canaanites are facing you, and you shall fall by the sword. Because you have turned back from following the Lord, the Lord will not be with you.”
But they presumed to go up to the heights of the hill country, although neither the ark of the covenant of the Lord nor Moses departed out of the camp.
the downside of Unbelief
If you read the entire 14th chapter of Numbers, you will find that the Israelites were greeted with a bad report from 10 out of the 12 spies sent to spy out the land of Canaan. Instead of believing Joshua and Caleb’s promising report, they believed the 10. That they couldn’t possibly possess such a luscious land possessed by such men as were dwelling there. God in His anger responds in v 32-34,
But as for you, your dead bodies shall fall in this wilderness. And your children shall be shepherds in the wilderness forty years and shall suffer for your faithlessness, until the last of your dead bodies lies in the wilderness. According to the number of the days in which you spied out the land, forty days, a year for each day, you shall bear your iniquity forty years, and you shall know my displeasure.’
the undoing of PRESUMPTION
Here the Israelites realized their error of disbelief, then presumed that if they simply did as they were initially told, it would be so. It was not so and Moses warned them. “Do not go up…for the Lord is not among you…the Lord will not be with you.”
Beloved Wife, it is the same with us when we justify our fighting with our husbands in the name of God. In our spiritual immaturity, we think that we will win (over our husbands) because we know that God has given us a good marriage as our inheritance. We think that all we need to do is claim it and MAKE our husbands understand and this looks a lot like fighting as a result.
Strife isn’t a part of God’s kingdom
Beloved, fighting is not God’s way. The Lord is not with us when we do so.
What’s worse is that we claim victory in Christ as we fight our men. We throw God at our husbands amid our fighting as a tool that will help us claim our victory, therefore blaspheming His holy name. At the same time, we drive our husbands even further away from not only us but God (the only author or true change.)
Do you see? We have been so blind. I have been so blind.
“I am better than my husband!”
No groomed Christian wife would ever come out and say it like this! We have presumed our “good” behavior has earned us brownie points in the kingdom of God. Because of this good behavior, we are confident that we are good Christian wives AND have no error.
Dear Sister and Friend, let us take heed before it’s too late. Matthew 7:21-23 says,
“Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. On that day many will say to me, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and cast out demons in your name, and do many mighty works in your name?’ And then I will declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from me, you workers of lawlessness.’
trying to fool god
Point blank—whomever these people are didn’t realize their true condition and thought they were in right standing with Christ when they were far from it. Why is Jesus telling whomever that they are to depart from Him? Because they were workers of lawlessness! Lawlessness is sin and sin cannot dwell in the presence of God Almighty.
Not believing that God is who He says He is when we obey as we are commanded is the lawlessness of His kingdom. We don’t agree with His commandments of submitting to His established authority in our lives (ie our husbands) and therefore do not obey them. Are you beginning to understand here?
Again, please don’t misunderstand me here. I AM NOT SAYING that your husband is without sin or that he is even living his life as he ought to. What I am saying here is that regardless of your husband’s spiritual state, YOU WILL BE ACCOUNTABLE for yourself and how you behave in light of what you say you know.
Spiritual blindness is the problem
If we don’t get our eyes open to our true state here, we could actually (God forbid) have God say Matthew 7:21-21 to us.
The Pharisees in the Bible couldn’t illustrate my point here better. In their day, they knew the law up, down, and backward and Jesus describes them as hypocrites who clean the outside of a dish and cup but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence...like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside, but on the inside are full of dead men’s bones and every kind of impurity.… (Matthew 23: 25, 27)
We have fought to no end with our husbands over issues to which we have played the hypocrite. I have cast judgment on my husband for how he spends his time, but was blind (and naive) to my wasteful spending of that same time. I fought with him because he wasn’t being a good enough role model to our children, and yet I modeled daily the quarreling wife in front of them.
But oh, I had my quiet time and prayed faithfully (and those things aren’t bad by any means, especially when we need God’s presence), and then deemed myself more saved than my husband. A few years later, I might beg to differ. I did not know my true condition. As wrong as my husband may have been at times, at no time was he claiming to be something he wasn’t.
Judging our husbands based on actions
Let me restate my disclosure here so no one will miss it: I know our husbands are very much mortal men who are indeed full of sin and in need of God’s saving grace every day. But we are spiritually immature when we don’t leave God alone to handle them.
Spiritual Judgement
I now understand it was at my lowest point when I thought that I was a better Christian and parent than my husband because I was more vocal about my faith than he was. As a mother, I am naturally more involved with my children and was deceived by this. I was so consumed with what I thought my husband was doing wrong, that I was completely blind to my wrongdoing. Playing the judge in my husband’s life was something I did often, and being the “righteous” judge that I was, fought with him to fix the things I deemed as wrong.
Consider Matthew 7:3 that says,
Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?
Right here scripture is telling us that if we cannot see clearly, how can we ever imagine helping anyone else, let alone our husbands?
Judge and be judged
If you think about it, what we are doing when we are presuming our husbands’ heart condition is playing the judge in their lives, a position we are not supposed to ever take.
“Do not judge, or you too will be judged.
Matthew 7:1
Do not judge by appearances, but judge with right judgment.”
John 7:24
Therefore you have no excuse, O man, every one of you who judges. For in passing judgment on another you condemn yourself, because you, the judge, practice the very same things. We know that the judgment of God rightly falls on those who practice such things. Do you suppose, O man—you who judge those who practice such things and yet do them yourself—that you will escape the judgment of God?
Romans 2:1-3
Fighting with our husbands ensues
When all hell broke loose in my marriage a few years back, it was because I was standing in judgment of my husband. I spoke “facts” to myself and out loud to him about his heart’s condition, that which I knew nothing about. Then after doing that, I told him with certainty what he should and shouldn’t be doing. It wasn’t until God smacked me over the head with His word that I realized that my husband was actually doing what God had commanded of him. Was he perfect? No. Was there sin and room for him to grow? Yes.
Not only did I learn those things to be true of my husband, but I learned that it was me who wasn’t doing what I ought to be. I was inspecting my husband’s life and recreational time with a magnifying glass, judging him for not being more to our family. All while neglecting the role God had given me.
I did have a plank inside my own eyes!
The Real Problem is that Christian Wives Have Been Living in Opposition of GOD’S KINGDOM
What is the way that is in DIRECT opposition to the kingdom of God? Rebellion and presumption. “Rebellion? Surely not I!” You may be saying in the comfort of your own heart. I’ve been saved since I was in kindergarten. I have my devotions every day in addition to leading the children in theirs. I respect my husband when I agree with his leadership.
Oh, Dearest Daughter, I said the same thing!
If we have been living in rebellion, then what is it? The rebellion of God’s ordained way of submission unto the government that He has established over us.
God’s ordained government
Let everyone be subject to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. So then, the one who resists the authority is opposing God’s command, and those who oppose it will bring judgment on themselves.
Romans 13:1-2
Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.
Ephesians 5:22
Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives,
1 Peter 3:1
For rebellion is as the sin of divination, and presumption is as iniquity and idolatry. Because you have rejected the word of the LORD, he has also rejected you from being king.
1 Samuel 15:23
But they rebelled against him and grieved his Holy Spirit. So he became their enemy and fought against them.
Isaiah 63:10
The one who practices sin is of the devil, because the devil has been sinning from the beginning. For this purpose the Son of God was revealed: to destroy the works of the devil.
1 John 3:8
The Real Problem is that Christian Wives Have Been Living on Their Salvation Alone
I hate to say it, but there couldn’t be more of a time in history when it needs to be said: We have been living on our salvation alone!
if we don’t do this one thing, we will be blind
For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, and virtue with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with steadfastness, and steadfastness with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love. For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they keep you from being ineffective or unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. For whoever lacks these qualities is so nearsighted that he is blind, having forgotten that he was cleansed from his former sins.
2 Peter 1:5-9 (emphasis added)
Here scripture is telling us that we cannot live on salvation alone. We need to supplement that faith with other things. What are we supposed to supplement our faith with?
Virtue (n)—a particular moral excellence
Knowledge (n)—the fact or condition of knowing something with familiarity gained through experience
Self-control (n)—restraint exercised over one’s own impulses, emotions, or desires
Steadfastness (adj)—not subject to change
godly (adj)—devout
Brotherly (adj)—natural or becoming to brothers
Affection(n)—fondness
A CONTINUAL FILLING & THE PROBLEM
This particular passage says that if these qualities are present and are increasing, only then may we be effective and fruitful. Interesting, right?! Are we as Christian wives reaping the fruit we desire in our marriages? What about our prayers? Are they being answered? Let’s look to see if we increasing in each of these qualities? Not simply obtaining once and never again, but a continual filling of each of these?
Notice this increasing of these qualities isn’t as unto the good marriage we want. It is as unto God. It is to supplement our faith, apart from our husband, and union with him. We will reap the fruit in our marriage when we sow a continual filling of these qualities in our relationship with the Lord.
Nearsighted & blind
Scripture says that if we don’t have these qualities and increasing in them, we are so nearsighted that we are blind and have forgotten that we have been cleansed from our former sins. The usage of the word former makes me think that not supplementing our faith with these qualities and increasing in them is actually a sin. This sin will continue to separate us from Christ, and keep us from yielding peace in our marriages. We are still saved, but not currently living in the freedom that He has freely given to us.
the real problem is that Christian Wives Have Conformed to the 21st century
Those who are in the flesh cannot please God. You, however, are not in the flesh but in the spirit, if in fact the spirit of God dwells in you. Anyone who does not have the spirit of Christ does not belong to him.
Romans 8:8-9
I hate to be the one to say this, but someone’s got to!
The majority of Christian wives who fight routinely with their husbands have conformed to the pattern of this world. What does conforming to this world look like exactly? Well, fighting with our husbands for one.
Do you agree with me on this one?
No, that’s not me. I am nothing like the world, I mean, hello, I’m saved! That may be true, but our methods have been the same as those who don’t know Christ.
Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.
Romans 12:2
Be transformed by this…EVERYDAy!
By the word of God!
Transformed in this context is by renewing our mind and daily. This transformation of our mind isn’t to be a one-time event of getting “saved.” It’s taking every thought captive to make it obedient to Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5) daily, maybe even hourly if needed.
Taking each and every one of our maybe-rotten heart attitudes and making it submit to Christ is never easy. But it is a mind that trusts God’s methods of submission and obedience to our husbands that will win victoriously in the end.
Trusting God by obeying His voice
What’s another way Christian wives have conformed to this world? Well, we conform to the pattern of this world every day when we fail to put our trust in God. You see, trusting in God is more than saying we do and it is more than merely getting our salvation from Him. It is trusting through obeying His mandated process and commands to respect our husbands. I would go as far as to say that trusting in Him is having peace in His process.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.
Proverbs 3:5
You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.
Isaiah 26:3
Trusting in God is abiding in perfect peace because our mind is stayed on Him! It is choosing to dwell on the true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and worthy of praise (Philippians 4:8).
For me, conforming to the world was manifested by fighting with my husband. As I became more aware by the knowledge of the truth, I realized I also was manipulating (also a form of witchcraft), and slandering my husband with my words.
In conclusion
It can take an entire lifetime to simply unmask this one truth: The real problem circling our marriage is nothing compared to the faults we find every day with our husbands. I am confident my husband has many things that are wrong with him because of scripture that tells me so (Romans 3:23). But when I act as the sitting judge over him, I am completely blind to my true condition. Turns out, I was more of a problem than my husband was. A miracle is nothing for God to perform, but pride and ignorance of the heart is another matter and takes a lot more time to work out.
I pray against every spirit of guilt that may try to wrap itself around every wife reading this now. If you have sinned in any of the above areas and your eyes have been opened, know that you are forgiven and washed white as snow. Experience lasting peace and begin to see God’s hand in your marriage from this moment forward!