Do you know the real problem within the walls of your marriage?
Most of us fight with our husbands but you may be surprised to know that it isn’t fighting that is the real problem plaguing them. Maybe you think I’m crazy and I’m willing to wear your presumption proudly, but let me explain before you write me off just yet!
Did you know that 40-50% of all marriages end in divorce?
That’s Christian marriages right alongside NON-CHRISTIAN marriages?
The divorce rate probably doesn’t surprise you, but maybe this next one will. Being a married Christian only accounts for 14% less of all divorces being filed? It almost seems as though being a Christian doesn’t matter at all. According to Wilkinson & Finkbeiner Family Law, 56% of divorce is because of arguing too much. That’s a whole lot of fighting that is causing a whole lot of divorce.
If you think that Christian marriages would be any different, you would be believing untrue facts. Christian husbands and wives are right in there, having the truth and freedom living on the inside of them, to no effect in their marriage.
Clearly there is a pandemic sweeping this nation & planet.
But for those of us who are born again, does it need to be this way? Absolutely not!
where do we even start to understand the real problem?
We cannot solve the problem if we don’t first identify it, wouldn’t you agree? Before I tell you what the problem is, let me start by telling you WHAT THE PROBLEM IS NOT.
FIRST OFF, Not even knowing what the real problem is…IS A huge PROBLEM!
As odd as it sounds, the real problem isn’t that there is fighting inside your marriage, that is merely a symptom. We fight to solve the side effects instead of addressing the real problem.
The real problem is that we Christian wives have been deceived into thinking that the fighting is all because of our husbands’ shortcomings. Sister, I’m going to rip the band-aid off here—until now we have had no real ownership of our part in the matter. Truthfully, most Christian wives are inspecting with a microscope the speck in their husband’s eye instead of looking to see the boulder on their own.
Ouch, right!?
THE PROBLEM IS THAT CHRISTIAN WIVES HAVE EXCHANGED THE TRUTH FOR A LIE (ROMANS 1:25)
And what is that lie? That we are blameless, living righteously before God (blind to our true condition.)
Christian Wife who fights relentlessly with your husband, do you believe me? If you’re reading this now, you are tired of the fighting and you are desperate and ready for the truth!
You couldn’t be in a better place!
A few years ago, my marriage was at its all-time lowest place and when I cried out to God with a desperate heart, the veil started to fall from my own eyes.
Realizing that you’re deceived as a Christian wife is the very first step in restoring your marriage. Let me explain one by one a few reasons why you are deceived straight from The Source. My mission here is to prove to you that fighting is merely a symptom of the real problem.
the problem to trump all problems is that you took the wrong turn
There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end leads to death.
Proverbs 16:25
If we have exchanged the truth for a lie, and there is a way that seems right to a man but leads to death, then what is the truth, and what is the way that the majority of us Christian wives are taking that seems right in our own eyes?
Fighting with our husbands.
Do you see it? Fighting isn’t the problem. It is merely a byproduct of doing what is right in our own eyes.
Proverbs 25:24 says (that it is) better for a man to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.
The way that I had taken for so long as a wife that was destroying my marriage was the way of fighting. Maybe it is the way you have taken in your marriage?
That is why we can pray and pray and pray for God to change our husbands and nothing happens. We are the ones who need to change (not saying that our husbands are without fault by any means.)
AS WIVES, WE ARE STRIVING TO CEASE THE FIGHTING WHILE NOT SOLVING THE REAL PROBLEM
We can muster up enough willpower to not strike our husbands when we feel wronged that will result in less fighting. But it is not sustainable long term because the problem is still buried underneath our good intentions of peace at any cost.
Fighting even for virtuous things should NEVER be at any cost. It should ALWAYS be through Jesus’s blood and what He already paid for in full! As we know His ways are not our ways and our human-nature, wife-tendencies are NEVER after His kingdom.
The Real Problem is that Your heart is black to the core
The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure, who can understand it?
Jeremiah 17:9
God is telling us right here what is in our hearts and we can believe Him because what He says is true! Christian wives are not exempt from this deceitfulness of the heart. It is after being saved and building our house on salvation that deception becomes even more subtle. Even Eve, who walked and talked with God daily was deceived.
Remember Proverbs 25:24 that says (it is) better for a man to live on a corner of the roof than to share a house with a quarrelsome wife?
TAKE NOTE THAT GOD Didn’t INDICATE WHAT THE WIFE WAS QUARRELING WITH HER HUSBAND ABOUT…
What about a Christian wife who fights with her husband because she wants him to be closer to God? Surely quarreling with our husbands must be allowed then! Or in even simpler terms, what about complaining that leads to fighting about having to pick up his socks that he fails to simply put in the dirty laundry? Seems like justifiable reasons to fight with him, right? I mean, they certainly aren’t terrible reasons to fight.
You can even argue that they are virtuous.
Let me rebut each of those with the truth.
John 6:44 says that no one can come to Me unless the Father who sent me draws him, and I will raise him up on the last day.
Who am I to ever think that by nagging my husband I can somehow make him do something that will make him more spiritual?
Looking spiritual has nothing to do with our true condition, for God does not look at things like we do. He looks at the heart and sees the motives for why we do what we do!
While fighting ruthlessly so many times with my husband about picking up his socks: Colossians 3:23 says whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters.
I am not saying that men can’t and don’t do their load of laundry. But in this scenario, I have taken it upon myself that doing the laundry is my job and therefore justified my complaining.
2 Corinthians 3:7 says that you must each decide in your heart how much to give, and don’t give reluctantly or in response to pressure. For God loves a person who gives cheerfully.
In the situation of picking up my husband’s scattered socks: I determine that I am going to give of myself and serve my husband which makes me a “GOOD” wife in my own eyes. But inwardly I am serving in a sullen, spiteful manner.
You see, I am so deceived in moments like those!
Deceived by both my true condition of hypocrisy dressed in spiritual clothes. And also my good intentions of being what a “good” wife is accompanied by a lousy attitude, nullifying everything.
Are you beginning to see that fighting is a symptom of the real problem and not the problem itself?
FIGHTING WITH MY HUSBAND OVER HIS SPIRITUALITY OR HIM PICKING UP HIS SOCKS HAPPENED LONG AFTER THE ROOTS IN MY HEART PRODUCED FRUIT OF FALSE SELF-RIGHTEOUSNESS & BITTERNESS.
No God-fearing wife ever welcomes being deceived. She, you, and I do mean well. That is why the prayer in our heart need always be that of David in Psalm 139:23-24 which says,
search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.
The real problem is that You are guilty as a wife
The way of a guilty man is crooked, but the conduct of the innocent is upright.
Proverbs 21:10
As Christian wives, we fight with our husbands for change. Maybe even over righteous standards we have set for him. But quarreling with our husbands according to Proverbs 25:24 is the wrong way!
This crooked way not only makes us guilty in our participation of fighting with our husbands. but guilty in God’s eyes.
All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23), and we are not alone in this guilt, but it is acknowledging our error and accepting Truth as our new truth to live by that sets us free. This Truth will bear fruit of less fighting, maybe even eliminate it altogether!
The way that we choose time and time again is sinful in His eyes
Matthew 7:13 says Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction.
This crooked, deceptive way of fighting with our husbands to control and manipulate to get a desired outcome (even a virtuous one) is a wide road. Everyone is taking it and it’s not limited to unsaved wives.
Based on statistics, there is a staggering number of divorces coming from Christian marriages. Proof that Christian women are on this wide path that leads to destruction that is destroying families and more. Men are by no means exempt of fault, but of the total number of divorces filed, 70% are filed by wives. Husbands are not the main spouses to be leaving God’s marriage union…wives are!
Christian wives are inexplicably on the wide, crooked path that leads to destruction!
What kind of fruit are you producing as a wife?
By their fruit you will recognize them…every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit.
Matthew 7:16-17
This is one of the easiest ways to identify if we’re on the right path or the path that leads to destruction.
Point blank—what kind of fruit are you producing as a wife?
We may receive a double portion of deception and rattle off the fruit that is righteous in our own eyes. We might say things like,
- “Well, I do his laundry
- I keep his house clean
- His children are always well-groomed…
…I am a righteous wife because I do all those things!”
Those things are not bad by any means, but there is a better ruler by which we can measure our fruit. Scripture.
Galatians 5:22-23 says,
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.
That’s a high standard
Most of us would agree.
Surely tending to our husbands’ house and children fit somewhere into that bundle of fruit. But scripture doesn’t stop there. Not only does it tell us what the fruits of the spirit are, it also tells us what the fruits (acts) of the flesh described in Galatians 5:19-21,
The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.
Partaking in one of those nullifies our righteousness as a wife
We are not forsaken because of the cross and what Jesus has done for us, but we have all INDEED sinned and fall short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23). Being born again isn’t because of our righteousness, but the goodness of our Heavenly Father.
By the fruit, we can know the kind of tree that we are!
If we are a good tree, we will produce the fruits of the spirit. If we are a bad tree, however, we will produce the acts of the flesh. I’m not implying here that we will ever be a completely good tree on this side of heaven as we do live in a fallen world. But the goal is always to produce more good fruit than bad fruit.
Fighting with our husbands is the fruit (symptom) being a bad tree (the real problem) produces
Don’t think for a second that your maybe-rotten fruit disqualifies you, for a look at the heart of King David and consider that he was named by God a man after His own heart. This is not about perfection and all about the heart!
That can be some tough medicine to swallow. I’m by no means questioning your salvation in Christ. My hope is to simply help you understand what may be your true condition and why the fighting ensues in your marriage even when you are praying tirelessly and perhaps growing bitter because of your unanswered prayers.
“But what about all the good things I do?” is something I cried in deep defiance of God’s pruning in my own life.
Truth is, I knew I was wrong and I was trying to justify my behavior.
Maybe you are saying the same in the quietness of your heart right now. Perhaps you see your error in this area. Doing good is always good, for faith without works is dead (James 2:17). But it will not save you and it will not end the fighting that is produced in your marriage.
Never forget that your marriage can only be a byproduct of what God does in your own heart
God said unto Samuel in 1 Samuel 16:7,
“Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”
When you believe that you do not have because you do not ask God, you are bordering on the real problem (James 4:2)
This is a very common narrative that I’ve heard for years growing up in the charismatic church. Sounds good, right? I mean, it’s scripture!
Hang tight.
THIS IS ABSOLUTELY WHAT SCRIPTURE SAYS BUT WE HAVE ITCHING EARS WHEN WE TAKE IT OUT OF CONTEXT. IT’S THIS TAKING-OUT-OF-CONTEXT THAT HAS US DECEIVED!
“Why aren’t my prayers being answered? Why am I not experiencing peace in my marriage like I desire to?” These are some of the questions I had daily in my desperation and hopelessness. I sincerely thought that my prayers weren’t being answered because I wasn’t asking God near enough or in the right way.
What do you think I did at these unanswered prayers? Probably the same thing you do when yours go unanswered.
What I didn’t do is look inward and pray for clarity and true understanding. No—I prayed and prayed, pleading with God to change me, my husband, my marriage, anything. Usually, this did result in the results I wanted only because of God’s goodness. But the roots of those prayers never went deep enough to cause sustainable change.
God is a good and gracious father and seen my desperation. But before too long my husband and I were always on the cycle of fighting again and I was left feeling like my prayers weren’t answered because I wasn’t praying right.
This hindered my spiritual life because I thought that God didn’t answer my prayers because He didn’t love me
Let’s look at James 4:2 again, this time the whole verse along with verse 3!
You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.
I learned, and maybe so are you, that it was because of my ungodly motives, my prayers weren’t being answered. Truthfully, I wanted my husband to change so that I could have a better life. I loved my husband but wanted peace at all costs and tried to purchase it. This type of deception will cause you to strive to improve your behavior until you get burnt out and give up.
That’s what happened to me!
Praying + good behavior does not = a good marriage
The truth is that God has a surplus of peace He’s ready and willing to pour out on your marriage. He loves you to the point that He died to save you, and peace is included in the packaging. He hears you and desires ever so much to reach His hand out. But you have free will as a woman and wife. He will not pour blessing out when we are living in active and willful sin.
when You have a form of godliness & deny its power, the real problem is knocking at your door
having a form of godliness but denying its power. Turn away from such as these!
2 Timothy 3:5
We can honestly think as Christian wives, with good intentions, that we are believing the truth. The reality may be that we are believing the darkest of lies but are unable to see because it’s camouflaged by the good that we do.
Deception always plays dirty
If you look closely at 2 Timothy 3:5, it is talking about believers. An unbeliever certainly wouldn’t have a form of godliness. Examples of godliness in a Christian wife’s life might look a little bit like the list below:
- Having her quiet time every day/doing devotions with her children
- Doing what is expected of her around the house/at her job if she works outside of the home
- Forgiving her husband for something he did to offend her (while secretly growing bitter)
- Going to church every Sunday/getting everyone to church on Wednesday nights
We are deceived by our good works when we think those acts alone are what make us holy according to God
If you think about it, it is a formula. We think that if we do xy&z, we are good Christians.
Beloved Wife, this couldn’t be further from the truth!
Who may ascend the hill of the LORD? Who may stand in His holy place? He who has clean hands and a pure heart, who does not lift up his soul to an idol or swear deceitfully. He will receive blessing from the LORD and vindication from the God of his salvation.
Psalm 24:3-5
God looks at the inward appearance of the heart. He sees your motives. Pure hands + not lifting your soul to an idol = receiving a blessing from God. What is the blessing that we seek as wives? A marriage where peace resides.
Rest Dear One, and know this truth!
If you have found yourself deceived in this area, rest in the Truth that can set you and your marriage free.