Being deceived as Christian wives is often hard to detect. Not because we aren’t living our lives inside the tentacles of deception but because it is ever so subtle and barely visible if we don’t know what to look for.
The easiest way to detect traces of the venom of deception is to look for this
Fighting.
Not merely a disagreement here and there. No, I’m talking a full out onslaught of one another day in and day out. In addition, an ever-increasing hopelessness within yourself and a helplessness of not knowing what to do or where to turn.
Sister, I can spot the symptoms because I lived them daily a few years ago!
We are deceived when we feel this way. The Bible tells us not to be led by our emotions (Ephesians 4:26-27) but our emotions, like symptoms, can oftentimes give clues to the real problem inside our marriages.
Have you ever found yourself in a place where suddenly your eyes are opened? Maybe years ago, or perhaps just now?
Like a veil has been lifted from your eyes and you find yourself asking, “How did I get here?”
“It seems like just yesterday my husband and I got married and we were happy and now I’m contemplating divorce because I cannot stand the man.”
This is more common than you think and that wives are living deceived.
The truth is that it didn’t just happen.
You were there living and breathing every single day and the days stacked slowly one on top of the other. Before you even realized, one year passed, then two and three. An entire 10, 20 years, up to a lifetime, can pass us by before we realize that the marriage we have staring back at us we did sow into the entire time.
As we know too well, we reap what we sow. Reaping today for many of us wives who have sowed into a marriage built on a wrong foundation looks a lot like fighting with our husbands.
So how can being Christians with answers to the questions of life give us a marriage that we detest seven years down the road?
Beloved, let me tell you.
Somewhere along the road, those rock-solid answers built on what we thought was faith in God, got warped and twisted. Not in an earth-shattering sort of way, but in an ever so subtle sort of way. Think back to the garden. Deception was subtle when it deceived Eve wasn’t it?
That is what happened to me.
My husband and I got married, both born-again believers and so much in love. Five years in, I detested the man. I am confident he felt the same way about me. We loved each other, but couldn’t stand one another. Even though I believed God’s word and know that my soul was in right standing with my Savior, something insidious happened that was producing Ugly in my marriage. Almost eight years into marriage, I know it was my being deceived that was producing the ugly (better known as the fighting that was ruining my marriage).
Now that the veil is falling from your eyes and you are facing with what is maybe a hard pill and marriage to swallow, I am going to tell you how you have been deceived
My prayer is that you can see clearly as you move forward. As important as restoring your marriage is, you must know how you were deceived in the first place so it doesn’t happen again.
Doubting God Acts as the Sledgehammer to Your Marriage
Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the LORD God had made. He said to the woman, “Did God really say, ‘You must not eat from any tree in the garden’?”
Genesis 3:1
I believe that it wasn’t so much the question that did the damage as was Eve’s imagination of the answer to it. Yes, God did say that, but the simple question probably sent a wave of other questions coursing through her mind.
“God told Adam and I not to eat from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, but…why?”
“If He’s holding back on the answer to that question, then what else is He holding back from us?”
You see, getting Eve to think about the answers to those questions, was the bate the serpent used to lure Eve’s senses and so too with you and me. When she was bated, she became easy prey for being deceived. It is the same when you and I find ourselves in similar situations.
what is your answer to the question?
“Did God really say to submit to your husband as unto the Lord?” The crafty serpent still asks many well-meaning, God-believing wives today. Some of us are sincerely naive as he continues with what will begin a wandering of our own hearts. “Did God really say that your husband is to be in charge over you?”
By alluding to our emotions of God’s real intentions that we think He has not made known to us, a distrust forms between us and God based on the fear that He is lying. God’s word says that I can win over my husband by not a word but by my behavior (1 Peter 3:1) but that must not be true. How will my husband know that he is wrong if I do not tell him? We doubt God’s process and timing and way of working miracles because we fear what will happen if we keep quiet and have a submissive spirit toward our husbands.
Not Being Grounded in God Produces Ugly Every Time!
If we are not grounded in Christ and His living Word, our foundation will in time begin to crack because of the seed of doubt that will grow and destroy. Notice that the serpent did not need Eve to deny God completely. All he needed was to get her to doubt Him. Doubt was where the cracks formed in Eve’s relationship with God that day. It is where cracks will form in our marriage built on our faith in Christ if we are not grounded in His unshifting word.
THE DEVIL DOESN’T NEED TO DESTROY OUR MARRIAGE IN A DAY TO WIN. A CRACK OF DOUBT IN GOD WILL ERODE OUR FOUNDATION OVERTIME AND HE WILL SUCCEED EVENTUALLY.
The serpent is in this for the long haul
Let me just tell you that even though I have been living a lifestyle of submission and respect to my husband as unto the Lord for nearly two and a half years now, I still slip up in this area. It really does take practice. Just the other day I caught myself saying to myself and God, “This just isn’t working. My husband isn’t changing.”
As if this lifestyle has anything to do with changing our husbands
It doesn’t. This lifestyle of obedience and submission includes your husband but isn’t as unto him alone. It is a lifestyle first of worship to God. It is what He has commanded of us as wives.
Thankfully I have seen changes in my husband. But is that poor attitude I spoke about a doubt in God that He will do what He said He will do? God is faithful even when I have proven faithless. This is proof that you don’t need to be perfect in the eyes of God in order to see the results you’re after.
Everything That Follows the Same Degree of Crookedness Found at Your Foundation will be Crooked as well
The serpent said, “Did God really say?”
The serpent was crafty because he allowed Eve space to answer the question instead of discounting what God said. He didn’t jump right to, “God is lying to you.” He wanted her to come to that conclusion by herself. You see, he was going to instead rebut Eve’s answer after which she would call into question her relationship with God.
If she couldn’t trust God to tell her the truth, then what else could she not trust Him for? What else could she count on Him for?
Could the serpent have perhaps allowed Eve this space to answer because he wanted to know what she believed? You and I need to know what we believe and know it with clarity and accuracy so that we can give an account for it. Notice Eve’s reply and see that she added something that wasn’t in God’s original command.
IT is BETTER TO SAY NOTHING AT ALL THAN TO SAY SOMETHING CONTRARY TO THE WORD OF GOD
The woman answered the serpent, “We may eat the fruit of the trees of the garden, but about the fruit of the tree in the middle of the garden, God has said, ‘You must not eat of it or touch it, or you will die.’ ”
Genesis 3:2-3
God’s original command to Adam never included touch. I mean it would have gone well with them not to touch the fruit—touching would probably lead to eating— but He didn’t technically say that.
We are still Deceived when we believe part of a lie
So the serpent replied ever so deceivingly with part-truth as well. He knew that Eve was easy prey because she didn’t know what God actually said.
You will not surely die,” the serpent told her. “For God knows that in the day you eat of it, your eyes will be opened and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.”
Genesis 3:2-3
Deception always plays dirty because it usually always contains part of the truth. This was true when the serpent deceived Eve. Adam and Eve’s eyes would be opened, that part was true, and neither would they die physically right at that moment. Their eyes would indeed be opened to their sin and nakedness but they would die spiritually and be separated from unity with Christ.
You see…part truth.
Therefore Eve didn’t respond to the serpent accurately. Could the serpent have thought to himself, “This woman doesn’t know what God said! I can deceive her.”
Prime candidates for being deceived
I do understand that Adam and Eve were plowing untouched ground. But when you and I don’t know the word of God, and know it accurately, our default is to pull something out from our hat. Typically when we don’t know the Word of God, we settle for something that sounds biblical.
This is extremely dangerous!
Allow me to get the elephant out of the room
Some of us Christian wives have a record of knowing God, but not knowing what the Bible says.
Just because something sounds good to us doesn’t mean that it is good, accurate, or even biblical, for there is a way that appears to be right, but in the end it leads to death (Proverbs 14:12).
I was deceived three years ago when asked if I was my husband’s helper
Of course, I replied to the Holy Spirit who was probing my heart. I cook and clean, do his laundry, care for, and homeschool his children.
We cannot Fool God
Although good, these things are a far cry from all that being the helper God intends me to be actually is. You see, even though I looked good on the outside, God saw my heart-attitude. He saw all the times I tried to manipulate my husband, and all the times I nagged him to death. Everyone, myself included, saw the outside but make no mistake, The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart (1 Samuel 16:7).
Oh, I still did those good things despite the detestable things in my heart. But I was more of a hindrance to God working in my husband’s life than a help.
God’s word says that we are daughters of Sarah when we obey our husbands, do what is right, and refuse to give way to fear (1 Peter 3:6). Without knowing the word and having a revelation of that word, I thought that that was me. I thought I was doing what was right when every act of defiance towards my husband was because of my giving way to fear in my life. Do you see how we wives can be so deceived and not even realize it?
We need to know the word of God!
When we don’t know the word of God, we are prime candidates for being deceived as Christian wives.
revelation is different than knowledge
As equally as important as knowing the word, we need to have a real revelation of that word. We can be consumers of information right alongside our culture, but it takes a brave woman to let the words in the Bible change her. Look at what the devil said to Jesus who had been in the wilderness for 40 days and nights without food!
Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil. After fasting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry. The tempter came to him and said, “If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread.”
Jesus answered, “It is written: ‘Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.”
Then the devil took him to the holy city and had him stand on the highest point of the temple. “If you are the Son of God,” he said, “throw yourself down. For it is written:
“‘He will command his angels concerning you, and they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.’
Jesus answered him, “It is also written: ‘Do not put the Lord your God to the test.”
Again, the devil took him to a very high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their splendor. “All this I will give you,” he said, “if you will bow down and worship me.”
Jesus said to him, “Away from me, Satan! For it is written: ‘Worship the Lord your God, and serve him only.’”
Then the devil left him, and angels came and attended him.
Matthew 4:1-11
When good isn’t good
The devil attacked Jesus with what sounded good (turn these stones into bread) and with scripture. It was a revelation of the word that led Jesus to counter His opponent with Truth. Remember, when that sneaky snake comes whispering to your heart, he won’t come most often with downright lies. He will come with part-truth and try to deceive you with thoughts that sound biblical.
When We Fail to Trust God We are Deceived
like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her lord. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.
1 Peter 3:6
If not giving way to fear is doing what is right, then how do we end up giving way to fear in the first place? Let me explain by working backward.
Fear, according to Merriam-Webster dictionary, is an unpleasant often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger. Antonyms (words meaning the opposite) of fear include assurance, boldness, and confidence.
Who is the fear unto?
Ask yourself, in this text who is the fear to? Unto yourself, right? In Sarah’s finite mind, she had multiple times she could have given way to fear (leaving her homeland, telling Pharaoh and King Abimelech that she was Abraham’s sister rather than his wife) and each account of fear would have each been as unto herself. In her strength, she would be fearful in each account.
On the contrary, what would giving way to assurance, boldness, and confidence be? And who would those acts of courageousness be unto? Our God!
To whom is my faith in?
You see, when I give way to fear, I am putting my faith in myself. By resting assured in God’s word, bold and confident in what He says despite not always having the answers or knowing what He’s up to, I am putting my trust in Him.
Do you see how putting my trust in God will NEVER give way to fear?
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:6-7
Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth. By this we shall know that we are of the truth and reassure our heart before him; for whenever our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and he knows everything. Beloved, if our heart does not condemn us, we have confidence before God; and whatever we ask we receive from him, because we keep his commandments and do what pleases him.
1 John 3:18-22
And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.
Philippians 1:6
You may not think that failing to trust in God is deceptive, but if this is me (and it has been for so many years inside the confines of my marriage) then by default my trust is in myself. That wherein lies the deception I speak of.
When righteousness is deceptive
You see, trusting in myself can look righteous and it so oftentimes does because it looks a lot like good intentions and good deeds. Good intentions of being a submissive, agreeable wife might sound good, even look good to others, but it will not be sustainable. My outward deeds may appear good, but on the inside, I can be actively participating in false submission and or manipulation to name a few. Just because other people don’t know my inward most parts, doesn’t mean that God doesn’t! There is only so much denying of myself in my marriage I can take in my strength before I snap and start an all-out assault on my husband and start manipulating to get what I want.
We can get off track and as a result, fight, fight and fight with our husbands before having a major-faith meltdown that results in getting back on track. Getting back on track in our faith (if in our strength because of good motives and wanting to do what is right) will only be sustainable if we have completely opened eyes and are sacrificing as unto the Lord, not unto our husbands alone (which is false submission).
What happens when I put my faith in myself?
And what does putting my faith in myself produce? Fear! When I am putting my faith in myself to be a good wife and have intentions of never making a mistake, I grow fearful. Fearful that my husband is reigning over me. I become afraid that I don’t have any rights. Fearful that what I’m doing will never be enough. Anxious that I can never get it right. I grow ever so fearful that I will lose my identity.
Fear is all about me, me, me.
But when I trust in God, it becomes about Him, His power, His faithfulness to see my marriage fulfilled in Him. My submission to my husband should only be as unto Christ alone, which is what true submission looks like.
Deceived By Failing to Renew our Mind Daily
Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.
Romans 12:2
You are always being transformed whether you like it or not
Transformed is an action word and means to change in form or appearance. It is something we do and according to Romans 12:2, we are always being transformed—either to this world or as unto Christ. That means that we actively need to be pursuing Christ, otherwise after the world will be our default setting.
God’s word is alive and active (sharper than any two-edged sword; Hebrews 4:12), and it speaks personally to your life on a day to day basis. If you are not renewing your mind daily as unto our Heavenly Father, you will be deceived. When we veer to the left or right, a daily reading from His word can put our heart in check and get us back on the straight and narrow.
For me this so often looks like humbling myself to my husband but make no mistake, it is really unto the Lord.
I can be thinking I’m doing a pretty good job when I read something about a proud, haughty spirit or the attitude of the heart then I realize that I need to ask God for the forgiveness of a heart attitude. Don’t think to yourself, as I have done so many times, that, “Oh, I’m such a mess because I need to ask for forgiveness all the time. I must not be getting it!”
Rest Dearest One and realize that perfection isn’t the goal here!
We can miss the goal if we’re not careful
Not fighting with your husband isn’t the goal either. It is a complete and total surrender to God. It’s you getting these truths of respect and submission to God and your husband down. Then living a life of freedom down a path where God has the freedom and platform to speak to you when you’re veering to the left or right. It’s you not getting offended at His voice speaking to you every day to keep you on that path of freedom in your marriage.
Marriage is not about what your husband can do for you or vise versa.
It is a tangible picture of the relationship God has established through Christ and His church. Your relationship with your heavenly father needs to be renewed everyday. Just as so often our marriage needs to be renewed daily. Do not be deceived by the pattern of this world that will seek to indoctrinate you. The world says, “The way I am being treated doesn’t feel good…you (my husband) need to change or this is over.” God’s word says, “Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant,” (Matthew 20:26)
In conclusion
There are many ways in which the Christian wife can easily be deceived. It’s not on purpose and it’s not always easy to see but it doesn’t make it right and it doesn’t mean we will get away with it. You and I will be accountable for our deception as wives. It has consequences that of which has produced fighting in our marriages. Even though it may hurt to be in a place of true understanding where you may see your true error, accept God’s truth as life-altering medicine and begin to see yourself set free!